I'm Not Sure How to Tell My Daughter

I ran a 5K with my daughter last Saturday. It was her very first 5K. My sweet, precious, 9 year-old daughter—so innocent that she hopes that one day she will meet a unicorn in “real life.” I don't have the heart to say any different about her dreams. The race was a called the “RUN with MOM 5K”, and was put on by a local chapter of the Girl Scouts. Even though my lovely daughter loves adventure stories about cats, telling silly jokes, skipping through the grocery store, and was so excited when she figured out how to braid My-Little-Pony's hair--she turned into a fierce competitor on Saturday. Fierce. We reined in the run-too-fast-in-the-beginning-business and she settled into a nice pace. “Don't worry, and relax”, I said, “we'll catch 'em.”

Don't worry. That's something I want to say to her about a lot of things.

But, sometimes, it's something very important that I wish she didn't have to worry about, something that all women worry about, but we shouldn't have to. I want so badly to say, “Don't worry, Honey. No bad men will ever try to hurt you.” But that could turn out to be a lie.

Run with Mom 5K: I'm sure I'm imparting some wisdom

It infuriates me that women are ever afraid. EVER. I saw the look my daughter's face that morning when she was pushing herself to her physical limits. Afraid? Not hardly.

Recently, a few things have happened to me when I was out running which made me feel vulnerable. ME. I'm not used to that feeling, and I don't like it. I've often said that I don't run scared. I refuse to be afraid to go running alone because of the “what ifs.” I need to run early in the morning before every other part of my life needs me---mostly my family and my job. I need to run from my front door on a very tight schedule. These are the needs of many, many other women, and we all have our own schedules and commitments. So, I run alone. A LOT.

That said, I am VERY careful about traffic when I go running. I tell my family where I'm going, and when I'll be back. I carry my phone for long runs when I'm wearing my fuel belt, because I have somewhere to carry it AND because I'm not dumb. A lot can happen in 3 or 4 hours of running. But, for the most part, I run alone. I wear a very stylish bright orange vest because I want to be seen by cars. I listen to podcasts on low volume, so I can hear everything around me. I wear my Road ID bracelet so that in case something happens, EMS can call my husband or my mom.

Last Friday, I set out to run 26 miles. I decided to do my long run on a Friday, so I could run the “RUN with MOM 5K” with my daughter on Saturday. My run had to be before work so I set out at 3:15 am with the hope to be home by 7:15 am, given traffic and restroom stops.

Out on a long stretch near the Tualatin Hills Nature Park, something weird happened. I was about 17 miles into the run, around 5:30 am, when I noticed that a car, a black Subaru Forester, had driven by more than once in different directions. Lost? I didn't think much of it...until, the car was stopped at a small cross street perpendicular to where I was running. The 30-something chubby guy rolled down his window and sneered some comment. I'm not sure what it was, but it wasn't asking for directions and, by the look on his face, it was something crass. He was proud of himself, for sure. Hey, I can read non-verbals. Jerk. He was turning left, and I was going to the right of him. I figured that was the end of it.

I came to a large intersection (4 lane traffic) where I had to wait for the traffic light to change. The Black Forester drove by turning right past me, staring. AGAIN. Asshole. I refused to look, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction, but at that point, he had my attention. I watched to see what his next move was going to be, and when I saw him get into the turning lane, I knew I needed to do something. But, what???
 

I remembered that my co-worker told me that she sometimes gets on her phone if she feels threatened. I crossed the street, dug out my phone amongst my smashed raisins, and called my husband. As the phone was ringing, Black Forester Man drove by again (this is the 4^th street that I've been followed onto). I stared right at this dill-hole holding the phone to my ear and miming like I was talking because my husband didn't answer. And, guess, what? I never saw the creep again after that. My husband called me right back, I breathlessly told him the story.

I had POWER when I had my PHONE. Before that, I was like an antelope being stalked by a lion. I can't speculate on the motivation of this person. Trying to scare me? Harass? Bully? Rape? Murder? I doubt those last two, but whatever it was, he wasn't trying to be nice, polite or courteous.


This is what the creep's car looked like.

Here's the thing, though, most of the time I don't carry my phone. If I'm supposed to run 6 miles with 4 being at “near” break-neck speed (aka, race pace). I don't bring anything but my winning personality.

I didn't have my phone a few months ago when I got bad feeling about a guy riding his bike in front of me on Fanno Creek Trail. It was deserted part of the trail and this man was riding WAY too slow and kept looking back at me. Finally, I just stopped running, and gave him a very hard stare as I turned off my watch. I waited a good 2 minutes. He turned a different way, and then I ran the fastest mile ever for a training run. True Story. I was so happy when I saw other people on the trail: an older gentleman, and then a woman pushing a stroller. Humans! Witnesses!  I wanted to badly to yell at that creep, “WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?!? GO AWAY.” But, I knew his behavior was already odd, so why take a chance with someone who might be crazy?

Self-defense experts say to trust your instincts. If you feel like the situation is odd or you get a strange vibe, then do what you can to maneuver yourself out and get somewhere safe. My two situations are the first two that I've had in 5 years of running alone in the same area. You never know when something could happen; women have to be on the defensive ALL the time.

When I got home from my run last Friday, I was very upset about the guy in the Black Forester. Disgusted. That was harassment. And, it wasn't because I was a RUNNER. It was because I was a WOMAN.

I got into my husband's car that morning (we traded since he was getting tires for mine) and the radio was set to one of our local talk stations, KBOO. The show was called, “Positively Revolting” and they were talking about Feminism and Rape Culture. Wow.  Later, I started reading tweets and articles with the hashtag #yesallwomen. Women are harassed, belittled, and made to feel afraid. I was mad about being personally stalked, gawked at, and made to feel vulnerable, but I was livid when I realized how prevalent it is and how much more it happens to other women.

I mean, my life is pretty sheltered. When I move through life, I usually have my kids, or my husband with me. I don't feel threatened at the grocery store, grade school or coffee shop. On the rare occasion that I do go “out,” I'm with my husband, and men don't generally harass or threaten women when they are with other men. My point is that until just recently, I didn't generally have the personal feeling of being harassed by men. And, I'm angry that other women do.

WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FEEL AFRAID OF MEN!!!

But, they do. As long as there are men in this world who think they can use their maleness (size, strength, speed...if not that then weapons, drugs) to overpower, then women will need to be defensive. This disgusts and infuriates me. You better believe that I am teaching my children (son and daughter) to respect other beings on this planet--- women, men, animals, plants, insect, fungi—to name a few. It's the Golden Rule people: Treat others as you wish to be treated. It's not a hard concept, but in some ways, our culture has allowed this to be overlooked. We have to step up and refuse to allow this to continue to further generations. If not us, then who?

And, what to tell my daughter? I don't want her to be afraid. I don't want her to set limits on herself because she's afraid. I want her to be the smart, fearless, carefree girl that she is, but somehow I have to tell her that someday she might be targeted or threatened just because she's a woman. It's not fair. It's not right. And, at this point, I'm not sure which would be worse for her. Me telling her that she probably won't ever see a Unicorn, or me telling her that she probably will be harassed because she's a female. I want so badly to say “Don't worry. Relax, just like in running, in the end it will all be just fine."